can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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