My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
