you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
