Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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