omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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