just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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