my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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