Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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