i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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