I could make wine with my vomit
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
