She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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