She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
