i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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