Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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