yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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