I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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