Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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