I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Green mimosas i think yes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
