I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
