ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
