My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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