Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
