Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
