I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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