Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
