Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
