Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
