it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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