I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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