Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
