Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
