grandma shit on top of the toilet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
