so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
