my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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