Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
