Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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