And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
