Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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