My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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