a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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