i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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