I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
