Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
