yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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