Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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