Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
