I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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