why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
