I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
