I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
MIDGETS
????
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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